Exploring White Space: Moving Forward and Inward

It's been awhile. Some questions have been brewing and stewing in my brain for a long time. And it's difficult for me to show up in this space - the blog space where I share my process and introspection (because that's what it's about for me) - when I haven't had the time to engage in introspection.

It's like I'm walking in circles and I know that in order to stop walking in circles all I have to do is step into the center, leave the periphery. But there are so many goings on at the periphery - shiny wonderful things - that keep me distracted and I haven't reached the point yet where I have the will to stop walking in circles and take that next step towards the center - in fact I've been so engaged walking/running in circles that I've created a rut.

My rut is my comfort zone and my comfort zone is my rut. I know how to deal with all the shiny things on the periphery and climbing out of the rut I've dug for myself would require...letting go of what I know - what I'm comfortable with - and climbing into the unknown.

See?

What happened?

Well, last year I took part in the training for a Creatively Fit Coach certification. And I did that without giving anything else up - without clearing space for it. So I did it, and performed in a play, and directed another play, and tried to keep up with my Board of Directors duties for the theater, and did my best to be a good full-time employee ... and ... and ... and - and I didn't have time to understand how much the Creatively Fit process was changing me, lighting me up, opening me.

It was calling me away from my comfort zone, but I was too busy to answer the phone.

iPhoneography: Edited in Snapseed and Repix.

That's what Creatively Fit is about. Your life is your canvas and you are the artist. The act of painting, and playing in your art journal and having wonderful conversations with life-artists who are also painting and playing changes you - even when you're too busy to let it change you.

I needed white space to explore new dreams and desires. But, I wasn't ready to let go of ANYTHING. And so, just now, I'm taking steps to create the white space I need:  

  • Close The Performance Lab.

  • Resign from the Board of Directors. (As soon as the play reading committee - that I'm chairing - has completed the season selection.)

  • Do not take on any theatre projects for at least one year.

It's hard to let go. I love all these things and they've been wonderful outlets for me, but they've also become my comfort zone - my rut. I think I've been putting the letting go off because while I'm ready to explore this new calling, I'm also feeling some sadness. Change and transition can be hard. And I want to honor that. I don't know yet what I'm being called to. I have some inklings and some practices to explore with. I'm listening to the still small voice. And that's all I know.

Kirsten MalineeComment