Curiosity vs. Exhaustion
This will be a quick update. I'm in pain today and finding it hard to type and sit at the computer. I have a neck injury that acts up occasionally and the entire right side of my upper body is in lock-down. I went to see the chiropractor, and he worked to get the muscles to release some and I have a massage booked at 3:00 today. So that's the status report.
What I want to do today is explore the emotions that go along with this process of change, mid-life crisis and learning. I did a little writing exercise during the 'free reading' period in my kiddo's English class yesterday. Still working with the book, Becoming a Life Change Artist: 7 Creative Skills to Reinvent Yourself at Any Stage of Life, the author asks us to write down the emotions that we experience when we think about being a life change artist.
Here are mine:
curiosity vs. exhaustion longing vs. exhaustion excitement vs. numbness/apathy and exhaustion
I know exhaustion isn't an emotion, but it is so present in my life right now that it feels emotional. And I'm flip-flopping back and forth between exhaustion and all the juicy stuff. I think I am worn out, but when I think about and take action on my desired life, I feel energized. This has been an exhausting week - the wreck, the day at jr. high, the neck ...
But I want to learn. I want to create. I'm getting energy from the act of blogging every day. I'm working through Tangie Baxter's Photoshop classes for Mixed Media and Art Journaling and they're awesome. When I'm taking the class and doing the lessons, I get lost in time. Re-emerging back into real-life can be a bit difficult.
I'm meeting lots of bloggers through NaBloPoMo and their stories inspire me. I think because I am exploring my growth process and change process and my creativity online - that act of sharing connects me with other writers who are doing the same thing. And that feels so good. But, if I read all the blogs I want to read and write as much as I want to write, I start to feel exhausted.
There's a fine line between doing what I want to do and doing to much. And I really haven't found it yet. Right now I feel like I'm straddling a chasm between current life and new life, between learning and overwhelm, between connecting and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. (I hate that image, but it's such a perfect description.)
My current strategy is to go and do as much as I can - then collapse. I think a different strategy is called for, but I'm not sure how to get to it. I've added a lot to my life and I haven't subtracted much. I think the next step is to evaluate and let go of some things, but that thought fills me with dread and sadness.
Can anyone relate?